(no subject)

So.... tonight I came out to M, who I am staying with until at least when her roommate V (another AIESECer), moves back in.

So that means, of the @-crew (a club on campus), I'm out to J and M. This I think is good enough for now. The others if they are meant to find out, will in time. I told J mainly cuz she's everywhere, and I didn't wanna just bump into her one day :P I told M because well, she always asked deep questions, which I couldn't answer without removing my mask.

There is no reason for me to be closeted to @-members. What's been holding me back is more me being unsure of myself, and just guilt for not saying anything for so long.

M seemed okay, which is good (Considering we were talking about social issues and even lesbianism before that, it was a no-brainer, ... though it did take me a good... 4 hours to finally let the words out after I had decided I'd do it tonight. -- Though i did mention that I agreed that Ephram was cute, earlier in the evening.)

I'd like to say I suddenly feel totally free, but I don't. What I do feel like however is that I'm moving from this stage of being totally unsure and unconfident of myself -- I know this will come back... likely by tomorrow... but...

Being able to go to Japan knowing myself is a wonderful thing. I know Japan will cause me to re-examine myself, and that's fine. But I needed to be able to have a base to build on, which I think I have somehow built up in the last.... 6 weeks? LOL

So things feel good. Although I wish someone would call me... *wistful sigh* -- So now I get to fall into the "normal" drama? Oh Joy! >_>;;;

(no subject)

Oooo, guess what, I get to think more ;)

Now that I know for "sure" I like guys, my morals have started to come back to stronger strength. It's great. Mind you, the reasoning has changed, as now there really is a valid reason behind these morals, that I won't be questioning or trying to rationalize.

There are now possibilities open to me, that did not seem possible before.

I now feel less like a kid asking for something they aren't old enough to have... when expecting a LTR that is. So I can pull myself back. Excellent. I know when I first turned someone's invitation to experiment down, I felt totally like a kid who didn't really know what he was talking about. (Heck, Same-Sex marriage seemed proposterous at the time.)

I acknowledge that yes, what I have done/am doing is "experimentation", but... there was/are emotional attachments with all of the incidents (it wasn't just "hey, wanna help me figure out if I'm gay or not?" or "wanna fsck?"), which is enough validation. And as I said before, how could I expect anyone to be interested in some form of LTR with me (ie, no sex for a looooooong time ;P), when I wasn't even sure if I was even attracted to guys. (I could still argue that I don't know, but... that is likely denial.)

Yes, I have more to work out. But at least now I have a starting point. I'm also glad I figured out the religious aspect first too (the one good thing of my trip home, LOL)

Japan is still going to be tough, as far as "dating" goes (I fail to see how anyone can have a GF while on study exchange O.o, really. So even if the "gay" scene were different, I'd still avoid it.) -- but at least I know what I'm holding out for.

... And if, it turns out I'm Bi and am swept off my feet by some woman, that's fine. But I'm not going to worry about that. I just am going to go with what I know now.

... ok, no more useless babbling for tonight.