(no subject)

I was just looking over some memories, and realized I need to accept the following:

1. My disability is me. Even though some people may claim to not notice it, they are likely only humouring me. I am going to have to deal with the fact that people are going to be (unintentionally) condescending and not take offense -- especially as they likely aren't.


2. Anyone that truly accepts me needs to accept not just the disability, but how it affects my point of view, my logic, my general development. Yes, I may be ignorant, and yes maybe I haven't matured in ways I should have by now. But if I accept it, then others will follow.


3. So thus, I need to stop ruling my life on appearing "within an acceptable range of normal" -- what I mean by this is.... I've not concerned about insults to me, but I've been more concerned with people laughing at me. Or not viewing me as a person at the same stage of development.


4. I need a lot more self confidence to accomplish the above items. Because while I can deal with people pushing me away, I can't deal with people not seeing me the same as they would a "normal" person.

So WTF does this really mean? Well, basically it's late-night thoughts about coming out to a few more people. (Of course, to make things worse it's not coming out as gay, but coming out as probably- gay- but- physiologically- I- don't- know- yet- because- my- body- is- fucked- up- and- causes- much- confusion)

I really should stay quiet, until I know for sure, but... well, I hate being dishonest (as many others do, I know); the people I tell wouldn't have a problem realistically (if they did they'd be hypocritical and I wouldn't want to be their friend anyway); Fuck it sucks having to wear a mask in public all summer as all my close "allies" are in the Toronto area (well, 1 is in Cornwall, but..)...

I likely will chicken out. Unfortunately.

I'm such a kid. But wait, that's entirely the problem.