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[personal profile] kitarou
Dear Mom and Dad,

You're probably wondering what this is about. I can't say I blame you, it is kind of strange for me to write you a letter like this. But I have a lot to say, am not really sure how to say it all, and really need to get it all communicated to you before I lose my train of thought – ie. If this were a conversation.

Between University, Japan, and Brazil, I've had ample opportunity to keep quite a bit of my life personal. I don't really like doing that, but I am worried about the consequences. It's not that I think you will get upset with me (I'm sure this will be upsetting though), but I'm worried you will think you raised me wrong or something.

Throughout high school, I felt different. See, I wasn't attracted to girls – I wasn't attracted to boys either. I saw sex as something “bad,” at least in high school (and well, I still do...). But University was an eye-opener for me. All around me were people with relationship experience (or at least, sexual experience...), and I never really had been attracted to anyone. In fact, I had started considering myself “asexual” in high school. That changed when I met a guy in first year.

Yes, you read correctly, a GUY. Suddenly, I found myself having an intense attraction to a guy (with whom nothing happened, even though I eventually told him). This knocked my entire world out of orbit. I hadn't considered myself gay, and I figured eventually I would meet the right girl and I would revise my asexuality theory. I was stuck with 2 questions: 1) How would this impact my faith? Clearly the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. 2) Am I really attracted to guys, or was I just desperate to not be asexual and saw this as the easiest way to not be? .... Today of course I have a 3rd question: Was I actually asexual in High School, or was I just in denial?

I tackled the 1st question right away: I first wondered if it was possible to not be attracted to guys. I've done quite a bit of reading that I don't want to include here... but there is an argument of whether it is Nature vs. Nature that makes one gay. I don't believe it is genetic (at least not entirely). I also don't believe it is a choice (Why the heck would anyone choose to put themselves through such social stigma?). I think a lot of it is environment, but not necessarily something that can be changed. Why was I born with Cerebral Palsy? It's not genetic, but not necessarily something we had any control over. I feel the same way about being attracted to guys. So since it was how God made me and couldn't be changed, the next question was, “Is Christianity the right path for me?” I can't put that into good terms, sorry. I very quickly knew that I can't turn my back on God, so started looking for signs that it was ok to be Gay and Christian. Now, of course I found supporting material. It is possible to argue things any way you want with scripture, hence why we are so fragmented. I didn't take this material as fact, but merely kept myself open to discovering more about Christianity and Homosexuality.

All this happened in my 1st year of University. The summer after, I came to Huntsville and worked in Baysville. Every now and then I found signs that encouraged me. I found an interesting book or two at the library. Same-sex marriage was legalized in Ontario. I know you don't agree with this issue, but I remembered thinking once as a kid, after hearing some crazed fanatic on 105.5fm but before I really understood the issues, that being gay wouldn't be so bad if they were allowed to marry. Because society doesn't encourage long-term relationships, of course they are going to hide in the closet and be promiscuous. Years later, I would also realize the media only focuses on the more “fanatical” people of any group.

Second year university. I knew I was attracted to guys, but was afraid to act on it. In general, I still acted asexually. I didn't date, I didn't try to meet people, etc. I hadn't yet figured out Question 2 (Am I just being gay to “fit in”?). It was around this time that @ started providing me with a social life. There was a main reason too. I had a crush on someone in the organization. The guy was not gay, I never thought he was (hoped, perhaps...). Anyway, as a result of going to @ socials, I ended up being encouraged me to go to the @ conference in London, Ontario.

That conference was the first time I went to a club/bar. It was also the first time I got tipsy (I got drunk at the hotel afterwards, but we won't get into that). I kind of realized I was paying a lot of attention to the guys, and not very much to the girls. (I was even asked later, who I thought the hottest girl at the conference was. I didn't have an answer). I spent most of this year growing socially (ie. Not “Rez-life” but real life). I did start meeting other gay people to a small extent. I went to Carleton's GLBT Centre, coincidently meeting one of my group members there. (Later, one of the last people at school I wanted to know about me turned out to be gay... I found out/outed myself to him by accident when I contacted the GLBT Centre and he was the Administrator. ... Awkward, for me.). I was still not really sure if I was gay or just convincing myself, until the summer. Partly because I forced myself to confront my feelings and my fears before I went to Japan. Anyway, I did. And then more or less shut myself off in Japan. I did come out to a couple people – the first time because I felt it important that someone know the truth about me to hold me accountable and to keep me reasonably safe. The second group of people... well, I was tired of someone else being called gay... and I was drunk.

Anyway, when I returned to Canada, I realized I didn't want to hide anymore and started meeting people. All my friends were ok with me being who I was. I made quite a few more gay friends, but still no dating. I was kinda busy with @ and with school. Last year, same story. However I started going out to gay bars occaisionally.

Now, I'm leaving my comfort zone of Ottawa. Entering a new environment. Additionally, I'm now closer to people who were in my life before I discovered myself. It would be so much easier if I went back into the closet, or back into denial. But that's partly why I'm telling you all this. Me telling you forces it into the open, and forces me to continue my personal growth.

I hope that this won't change things irreparably between us. I'm still the same son you had before you read this letter, the only choice I made was to be honest and accountable to myself, and to include you in the process of doing so. I know the timing isn't really great, but I'm afraid there will always be some reason or scapegoat preventing me from telling you if I don't do so soon.
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October 2013

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